I'm sure if you've followed our story long enough you know that we've had our ups and downs, but eventually there comes a time when you have to face reality. I'd been living in denial for a long time. I don't know that I ever wanted to acknowledge the struggles or unhappiness in my life because I'm a pretty happy, optimistic person and facing that reality meant facing a lot of negative emotions. What I didn't realize is that I'd been living on the edge of a panic attack for so long that it had become "normal" for me to feel so amped up in fight/flight mode. It wasn't healthy. In fact, I'd even gone so far as to go back on meds a few months back.
Yet, when your spouse calls you (yes, calls...men, take heed...do not call your wife for a divorce...) and tells you he thinks you'd be better off as friends it kind of takes you back, especially when you've been fighting so hard for so long and doing everything you can think of in order to "save" your marriage. So yes, I had to process my emotions. I was sad, mad, angry, resentful, and about a million other things, but I think the hardest pill to swallow was the fact that I felt like I'd be judged. That I was now going to be just another statistic. That....that was hard for me. I normally don't care what people think, but this, this was on a personal level. Having put yourself out there in a marriage, only to have someone reject you (this is what it feels like at first) is a very raw, rough emotion to deal with. It makes you look at yourself and the core of who you are.
And yet? I processed the whole thing fairly quickly. I think I started to look back and realize that E and I had lost sight of who we were as people. We were two different people and we knew that when we got together, but we were in love and in those early stages you ignore things that would otherwise turn you off...especially when you're young (he was 20, I was 22). I think over the years those little things became bigger things and those bigger things drove wedges between us. Neither one of us is a hugely confrontational person so we'd mention things here and there, but never pushed any issues. In the end, our great communication (you know, because we never fought) was the beginning of the end. Ignoring things doesn't make them go away, it only makes them worse.
Now, there is more to this whole story and I'm sure I'll share it as time goes on, but for now I want to make a promise to myself that I am going to live my life honestly. I am going to do everything I can for these two amazing kiddos, but also...for myself. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I shouldn't have to compromise who I am or what I value in order to be with anyone. I think my 20s were a learning experience for me, and while I wouldn't trade it for the world, I am ready for my 30s. I am ready to see what doors and windows have opened. I am ready to starting living my life true to myself. I am ready for the next great thing.
So hang on, sit tight, and enjoy what is sure to be a roller coaster of a ride.
And if you have any questions? Ask. I'm ok with sharing, really. And if I'm not, I'll let you know. (Although I can't remember the last time I didn't share something.)
Have a fabulous week all!
p.s. I need a new blog name. I need a change. I need something that embraces this next phase of my life and the way I want to live my life...honestly, with passion, purpose, and faith. Ideas? Please toss them out!