Thursday, April 19, 2012

Pity party for one. (TTC #2)

::warning: female tmi included::

I'm throwing myself a pity party.

I'm bummed, I'm pissed, I'm hurt.

I was hoping to be announcing "I'm pregnant!" by this point, but God had other plans (or so I need to believe).

This sucks.  In January, when we got the news that hubs was leaving for Texas, we threw all TTA (Trying to Avoid) measures out the window.

BFN.

Then in February, Thad and I visited E in TX.

BFN

March went by without a visit, without any sex, and without a BFP.

And then came April.  Oh dear Spring Break.  You were perfect.  My first ever OPKs came up super positive.  We had sex.  We had a lot of sex.  We had so much sex I ended up with a UTI. (Eh, it was worth it.)

The timing was perfect.  Perfect I tell you.

I felt it was God's plan.

I had good vibes.  I had really good feelings about this cycle.  I was convinced I was pregnant.

I dreamed of ways to tell the hubs, the family, and thought about a December 28th due date.

BUT I still didn't know if I was pregnant.

With my PCOS, I have a luteal phase (LP) of 10 days.  So at 8 DPO, I started testing.  (With Thad, I got a BFP at 11 DPO...granted it was so faint I had to wake the hubs by shoving a pee stick in his face.)

Day 8 - BFN.

Day 9 - BFN.

Day 10 - BFN and on and on it went.

But then something weird happened.  Day 10 passed without a sign from AF.

This was abnormal.  My cycle is religious.  I ovulate, 10 days later the bitch shows her face.

Day 11, slight temp drop.  Still above coverline.  No sign of AF, hopes are wavering, but still high --- until 11 PM.

There it was.  That little bit of light pink staring back into my face from that ever so soft piece of toilet paper.  So light in fact, I convinced myself that it was implantation bleeding/cramping/dip in the chart.  So light that overnight nothing happened.

To be extra safe today, I wore a tampon - after all, it was still there when I wiped this morning.  (And Lord knows, I cannot risk getting blood all over my pants while teaching high school.)

Was it enough to fill the tampon?  Uh, no.

But don't get too excited.  Tonight....tonight we're bright red.

I'm defeated.

Fucking bitch.

11 comments :

  1. I'm sorry! That really sucks! I have PCOS too, but I don't get periods or ovulate on my own. We had to conceive our son with the help of Clomid. We aren't TTC yet for number 2, but I'm expecting to have to do the same thing again.

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  2. I am so sorry! I have PCOS too- haven't reached the TTC phase of life yet, but I worry about it going poorly A LOT. Currently I wait for a period to arrive the way you're waiting for those faint lines. PCOS sucks the big one. SECSvsPCOS.blogspot.com

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  3. I hate that feeling of disappointment. When we were trying to get pregnant with our son I ended up having to do 3 rounds of provera and clomid because I don't get my periods regularly (after almost 8 months of trying without meds). We are starting to think about TTC #2 and I really don't want to take clomid again (it was a terrible hormonal rollar coaster for me...although I'm so thankful for it since it helped us conceive Carter). Anyways, hang in there!!

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  4. I've done fertility treatments, had 3 miscarriages, etc. I KNOW how you feel! I was diagnosed with PCOS and hypothyroidism and all the other crap. It took us 5 years to get pregnant with our daughter with one miscarriage beforehand(who is now 7) and then for 6 years with this pregnancy with 2 miscarriages in between (due in June/July 2012). We moved from Texas to Germany almost one year ago and had pretty much given up on the idea of having another baby and BAM. I randomly got pregnant. Here I am, now 28 weeks pregnant, and am still in shock about it.

    Good luck to you! I hope it happens soon!

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  5. I'm sorry. :( That's such a sucky feeling when you're TTC. My cycle is almost always like that. Very slight temp drop, a teensy bit of spotting, a day of basically nothing, and then bam - major red flow. I hate it & wish the beotch would just show UP already. ((hugs))

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  6. I hear u... I feel ya! We miscarried in dec. I was so excited for #2 and at 10 weeks there was no heart beat to be found :( we had a d&c and have been TTC ever since and have had no such luck. I even convinced myself this last time that I wa preggers and then the dreaded wipe. Your heart just sinks and I just start crying as all hope goes out the window and my babies are getting farther and farther apart in age. I so badly wanted them 2 yrs apart and now we r creeping up on them being 3... Good luck next month. :) sending prayers ur way!

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  7. Oh Libby dearest...been thinking of you so much! It sucks to get a BFN, but it REALLY sucks that your cycle had to tease you like that. BAD CYCLE! All in due time, God does have a plan for you :)

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  8. awh, i'm sending you a big hug. this will all work out when the timing is right in God's eyes. *hugs*

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  9. Awww, I'm so sorry. I've been there, and it SUCKS. I saw so many BFNs when TTC our daughter that I almost went crazy. But hang in there, when it does happen, I know you'll think "Yes, this really was the best time" Easier said than felt though!

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  10. I hope you'll soon be announcing a pregnancy, but if not, like someone else said, all in good time. I know it's hard to wait and wonder, but try to be patient.

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Thanks for the comment love!

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