6 weeks after having Thad I was diagnosed with PPD - I couldn't.stop.crying. I was crying about everything. I felt like the worst mother in the history of the world. I wondered if I'd ruined my life, my husband's life, and now the life of this little boy I'd brought into the world. I couldn't fathom making it to the next day. Being a parent was hard, harder than I'd ever thought possible. I didn't think I'd ever sleep again, read a book again, shower again...let alone feel sexy again...BUT after talking to the doctor and getting a prescription for Wellbutrin, my world slowly became manageable.
Last spring, I had to call the doctor and ask to decrease the dosage of medication. I was suffering from crazy rushes of energy - it was insane - I felt like I was on crack or something. My thoughts were racing, I couldn't focus, and I wasn't sleeping well. I was also about 45 lbs lighter than when I'd started the meds. Apparently that little factor can make a difference.
Now, as the the one year mark comes and goes, I've had to decrease the meds again. It's kind of hard to do your job and be a mom when you can't even focus long enough to make a grocery list. Oh and did you know they don't make Wellbutrin in 50 mg tabs? Nope, so for now, I'm cutting the 100's in half. While I'm excited to decrease the meds, I'm scared as shit. I'm not comfortable getting rid of the meds completely yet. These days are better than I could have ever imagined they would have been a year ago. I'm happy, I'm in love (with my husband and my son), Thad and his laugh, smile, face, his everything -- make me sooooo happy, I'm constantly thinking about having another baby - life is good.
And yet, every once awhile those feelings sneak in. I get down. The world sucks. Why can't the laundry get done? Why does my husband insist on not mowing the lawn? Why won't Thaddeus eat his dinner? All of those things add up and all of a sudden, I'm pissy, depressed, and hating the world. While it doesn't always last that long, the fact that it even happens drives me nuts. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy or I've gone bipolar or something.
So for any of who are suffering, have suffered, or are just now being diagnosed - know this. It does get better. There will always be ups and downs, there will always be times you question your actions as a mother, there will always be times of stress in your marriage, but you can do this. Don't be ashamed of asking for help, taking medication, or just taking time for yourself. It will make you a better mother. Trust me, it will.