9.22.2011

PPD: 1 Year Later

I've always suffered from stress and anxiety.  Before getting pregnant, I'd been taking Zoloft.  When I quit a few months before trying to conceive, I felt myself leave a cloud behind that I didn't know I'd been living in.  Holy energy and focus...wow.  While pregnant I suffered from pregnancy induced ADD (I don't know if this is proven, but I'm telling you, for me, it was).

6 weeks after having Thad I was diagnosed with PPD - I couldn't.stop.crying.  I was crying about everything.  I felt like the worst mother in the history of the world.  I wondered if I'd ruined my life, my husband's life, and now the life of this little boy I'd brought into the world.  I couldn't fathom making it to the next day.  Being a parent was hard, harder than I'd ever thought possible.  I didn't think I'd ever sleep again, read a book again, shower again...let alone feel sexy again...BUT after talking to the doctor and getting a prescription for Wellbutrin, my world slowly became manageable.

Last spring, I had to call the doctor and ask to decrease the dosage of medication.  I was suffering from crazy rushes of energy - it was insane - I felt like I was on crack or something.  My thoughts were racing, I couldn't focus, and I wasn't sleeping well.  I was also about 45 lbs lighter than when I'd started the meds.  Apparently that little factor can make a difference.

Now, as the the one year mark comes and goes, I've had to decrease the meds again.  It's kind of hard to do your job and be a mom when you can't even focus long enough to make a grocery list.  Oh and did you know they don't make Wellbutrin in 50 mg tabs?  Nope, so for now, I'm cutting the 100's in half.  While I'm excited to decrease the meds, I'm scared as shit.  I'm not comfortable getting rid of the meds completely yet.  These days are better than I could have ever imagined they would have been a year ago.  I'm happy, I'm in love (with my husband and my son), Thad and his laugh, smile, face, his everything -- make me sooooo happy, I'm constantly thinking about having another baby - life is good.

And yet, every once awhile those feelings sneak in.  I get down.  The world sucks.  Why can't the laundry get done?  Why does my husband insist on not mowing the lawn?  Why won't Thaddeus eat his dinner?  All of those things add up and all of a sudden, I'm pissy, depressed, and hating the world.  While it doesn't always last that long, the fact that it even happens drives me nuts.  I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy or I've gone bipolar or something.

So for any of who are suffering, have suffered, or are just now being diagnosed - know this.  It does get better.  There will always be ups and downs, there will always be times you question your actions as a mother, there will always be times of stress in your marriage, but you can do this.  Don't be ashamed of asking for help, taking medication, or just taking time for yourself.  It will make you a better mother.  Trust me, it will.




6 comments :

  1. Exactly one year ago today my daughter was born. I never thought I would suffer from PPD. It took over my life for 7 months. Since I have been on meds I feel like myself again. I don't like "being on meds" but the other option wasn't working for me.

    Thanks for sharing!
    :)Jen

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  2. I'm so glad you're feeling better, Momma <3

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  3. So glad you are feeling better! Someday, maybe I'll put my story out there...I'm just not ready yet. Props to you for being so honest, I'm sure you have touched a lot of lives with this!

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  4. We've talked about this before, but you and me? We're definitely long lost bff's. I get everything about this. Hugs. You aren't alone. Glad you are doing better! Sleep helps.

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  5. So glad you are feeling better! xoxo

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  6. I'm a brand new follower - so glad I found you! I'm a brand new "mom" - my husband and I just became foster parents to three boys, ages 10, 11, and 15 this week. Did you know that foster and adoptive moms suffer from something similar to PPD? Yeah, I'm so glad someone told me that, because this week I've been an emotional wreck. But I've managed to hold it in in front of the boys! Ah this crazy life we live with female hormones!

    Looking forward to reading more about you.

    Amanda
    DAES of Our Lives
    Royal daughter Designs

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Thanks for the comment love!

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